The End of 2017

kellmhodell

December 27, 2017

The year is ending and I just keep thinking, “I don’t want it to.” It’s the last year I got to listen to Delores’s laugh or see Delmer get excited. It’s the last year I got to be with my baby girl, my “little bit.”

It seems like this entire year has been completely about them. Even though the accident happened in May, I look back before that and all I see are the last moments I spent with them.

This is also the year that I found unbelievable joy. I never knew I could be this close to my God. I still have nourishing to do in my relationship with Him, but the “depth and the riches of His wonderful grace” have been showered upon me and His closeness has proven to be my strength.

This year I also found a love for my husband that has grown more than I ever thought possible. His wisdom and counsel have kept me together and my head above water. I can depend on him and that means more to me than he will ever know.

This year I saw strength in my children that has overwhelmed me. Phoebe’s healing and growing maturity and humility is teaching me constantly how to be the light. Jesse’s constant state of wanting to “take care of things” from helping on the farm to cooking meals has shown me that God is working in him to help him become a great servant. And Leah’s loving, compassionate spirit has uplifted me from the get-go, especially when she sees me starting to get upset and runs and hugs me until I’m better.

This year has been such sorrow and such growth and I don’t want to let it go.

But I’m going to. I’m going to move forward. I’m going to keep sharing God’s Word whenever I can. I’m going to keep studying and growing closer to Him. I’m going to keep being thankful for all that He has done for me. I’m going to embrace the new year and know that whatever happens, good or bad, will mold me into who He wants me to be.

Because I love Him and He loves me.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:1-2‬ ‭

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From Joel – December 18, 2017

kellmhodell

Phoebe and I are leaving the Norton’s Children’s Hospital in Louisville for the last time! Her spine has made a full and complete recovery perfectly aligned and healed. While Doctor Gum was examining her X-rays and and telling us how good she looks I said to him “Phoebe should be in some text book or something on how well she has recovered” he with out hesitation said “This is beyond scientific explanation!” Thankful to a God who heals.

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He Knows

kellmhodell

December 8, 2017

““Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.””
‭‭Luke‬ ‭22:31-32‬ ‭

How, in the thirty-something years that I have studied the Bible, how did I not realize these words were there? I don’t claim to know the Bible like I should but these words come right before Jesus tells Peter that he will deny Him and I don’t recall ever seeing them. Satan asked to come after him.

Satan gained permission. It is just like what happened to Job, whose story has been our “go-to” these past few months. Satan asked to try and turn people away from God. And God granted his request.

God knows. He knows what we will do and He knows the strength and power He gives us. The most comforting thing in this scripture – Jesus prayed that his faith would sustain him and that he would then help those around him stay strong. He put Peter through the wringer to make him stronger and to help others stay strong.

Wow! I needed to read that this morning. God knows us and He knows the strength and power He has given us. We may fail when Satan tries to sift us but we will be delivered because our Savior prays for us.

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Christmas Time is Here

kellmhodell

November 30, 2017

I feel like I’ve been going backwards. I’ve been listening to the world that is telling me I must be sad because I have to get through this holiday without people that I love. I’ve started focusing on the fact that we won’t be eating Delores’s incredible cooking, we won’t get to watch Delmer’s eyes light up as he passes out the gifts one by one, we won’t get to see Keren’s sweet excitement over everything that sparkles and shines. And I’ve been spiraling downward. So much so that last night I fell apart and didn’t think I would be able to pull myself back together. But, then, God…

God brought peace yet again to my heart.

I bought these ornaments after Christmas last year and have been waiting all year to get my tree focused on what matters. I’ve never had a tree like this before. I’ve always tried to make them whimsical and magical but this year it proclaims the TRUTH and I’ve never needed it more in my life! This is what I need to be focused on. This is where my heart and soul need to be – grounded in the promise of eternal life with my Creator, the One who makes me perfect because He is my Savior.

I know it’s ok for me to be sad and to miss them, but it’s not ok to let it destroy me this holiday season. I’m writing this, as a testimony to myself, to help me remember Whose I am and what He has done for me.

I have HOPE and PEACE and COMFORT and JOY! May all of you who are hurting and sad feel God’s arms wrapped around you in a warm embrace reminding you that He will carry you through. Merry Christmas!

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6 Months

kellmhodell

November 12, 2017

Yesterday marked six months. While God gave us a great opportunity to get away and enjoy some “us” time, we still ended the day talking about this precious one.

There seems to be this fog lifting off of our family. Normalcy is setting in, yet, the pain is almost more of a presence now. It’s not a constant depression or sadness, just vivid memories and the yearning for things to be what they used to be.

The wonderful part is that we know we will get to see her again. I will get to put my arms around her and dance with her again. That is the hope that Jesus gives – eternal life, forever with LOVE.

1 Year Ago

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First time to dress herself! 💕💕💕

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Live Loved

kellmhodell

November 3, 2017

I found this shirt nestled in my closet a few days ago. I bought it this time last year to remind myself that I don’t need approval from others; I need to remember that God loves me and that is what matters.

Today I wear it with a different mind set. I still believe the first message, but now I live loved knowing that my God will take care of me through all that comes my way and will deliver me from the evil one.

As we take this month to focus on what we are thankful for, remember that we can be thankful because His love envelopes us all.

Since we are three days into this month and, therefore, I am three days behind, here are three things I am thankful for.

1. The trust I can place in God.
2. My full house.
3. Long conversations with my amazing husband.

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Blessings Abound

kellmhodell

October 24, 2017

Fall has finally arrived and with it has come a new season for our family. We have been given temporary custody of three wonderful children.

As we continue to heal, there is no other way to receive this blessing than with absolute joy! We have had a relationship with these three for over two years, so when they needed a safe place to stay for a while we jumped at the chance to help.

Joel and I have both had odd emotional reactions to this. But, yet again, the Holy Spirit gave Joel words of encouragement and reminded us that when God gave Job a new family after suffering the loss of his first family, He intended it to be a blessing for Job.

There has been so much joy in our hearts since they have entered our home and all we can do is praise God, from whom all blessings flow!

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Calming the Storm

kellmhodell

September 24, 2017

This week I had 2 very dark days. So dark that I got scared. So scared that I thought I might not be able to recover. I felt separation from God and in it was hopelessness and desperation.

Grief comes in waves. One minute you’re fine and the next minute you’re in a crumpled heap on the floor. It can be the simplest of things that can turn laughter to tears. For me it has been a simple reminder of what I’ve lost. I’ve been able to endure because I know I’ll get to see them again.

But this time a stressor came on me from the outside that I didn’t know how to handle. It had nothing to do with the kingdom or my calling, it was completely worldly and I absolutely fell apart. I became angry, resentful, depressed, and felt like I was at the end of my rope. I wouldn’t listen to any words of reason or wisdom. I was defiant and stubborn and it sent me into a black hole.

It got to the point where I had to go outside under the night sky and scream and cry and pray. But I’ve reached a point where it physically hurts to cry, my forehead hurts so bad that I can barely stand it. So, as I was trying to manage the tears, the pain, and the hopelessness, God said, “Be still.” And it stopped. My tears stopped, my pain stopped, my hopelessness stopped.

I went to sleep that night knowing it would be ok and I woke up the next morning feeling that peace and comfort He promises. Then later on that day God put the story of Lazarus dying on my heart.

Lazarus and his sisters were close friends of Jesus. He heard that Lazarus was sick but did not go to him right away to let God’s power be shown. He knew God would raise him from the dead. However, when He finally arrived at Lazarus’s house he was dead and had been for four days. Jesus still knew God’s power would be shown but when He was taken to the tomb, Jesus wept. After He wept, he called Lazarus out of the tomb and he came out alive.

While we tend to focus on Lazarus being raised from the dead, this time God had me focus on the fact that Jesus wept. Jesus experienced the death of someone close to Him. And He hurt. He felt what we feel. Yet, He still had hope because He knew the power of the Father.

Our God is powerful and loving and faithful. He made heaven so much sweeter for me. I hope all these words help someone see how sweet it is and know that He wants us there with Him. He wants to bring us back to the garden, the place He intended us to be when He created us.

A Hurricane’s Lesson

kellmhodell

September 13, 2017

On our ride to school yesterday morning we watched the clouds move across the sky. It was amazing because they were moving in the wrong direction. We knew they were from Hurricane Irma and I had just looked at the weather map earlier that morning and seen where the storm was raging over Arkansas. All I could think about as I watched those fast-moving clouds move in the wrong direction is how those same clouds had been over Florida and the islands and caused so much destruction and that this was just an arm of the storm that spread all the way down to Arkansas. I saw God’s enormity in that moment. Not because of how big the storm was but knowing that He is so much bigger.

I haven’t posted an update like this in a while. Mainly because school started back and I haven’t had time to turn around, but God keeps putting it on my heart that I need to share what He’s been doing for me.

With the beginning of school, there have been a lot of knew emotions that I wasn’t prepared for. This summer, when I was home and able to focus on our situation, I had time to work through my thoughts, but that hasn’t been the case now that I’m so busy, and I’ve been feeling myself fading fast.

At first, I welcomed the distraction. But now that I’ve been in school for awhile, depression has started setting in. Grief comes when I least expect it and I don’t have the time to work through it. It’s been affecting my relationships and my well-being.

But this past Sunday morning, God forced me to spend time with Him. While at church, I went out to stroll around the church cemetery. This is not where our loved ones are buried but it is a place where I have felt anxiety, before the accident, because I was scared of losing someone I loved. Now that it has happened I found it to be a place of comfort. God walked with me that morning and told me that loss is a part of this life and that we have to lose everything on this earth to gain Heaven. He also reminded me that He experienced loss too but the death He endured brought salvation to me.

I get to see Him one day! I get to be made perfect one day! My sins are forgiven! I will be in His presence! And I will get to see my baby girl again! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

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18th Anniversary

kellmhodell

August 14, 2017

Today, on our 18th anniversary, we stood in a court of law to be appointed executors of our daughter, Keren’s, estate. As I heard the judge speak her name and raised my right hand to promise that I would follow all the laws that the court required of me, I couldn’t have been more thankful to be standing by the man God created for me. He has been my counsel through this whole mess. He has stood strong in the face of tragedy, listened to God’s words to him, and allowed the Holy Spirit’s fruits to grow in him. He has shown more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control than I ever knew was possible for anyone. I’ve depended on his words to keep me going and carry me through because I know that he listens to God. I love you, Joel Odell, and love that I get to spend this life with you!