Fighting Fire with Light

Psalm 139:1-16

“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.”  139:13-16 – from Mom and Aunt Juli

Sometimes, in a quiet place, maybe while I am washing dishes or getting ready in the mornings, the enormity of the accident hits me.  And I think, “How in the world did this happen to me?”  I’ve admitted that I’m a worrier and always see the bad that could happen, but this I just didn’t see coming.  I look back at my life as a child and a teenager.  Those that knew me would tell of a young girl who was always giddy with laughter and twirling around everywhere she went.  Yes, my teenage years got a little moody, but mostly I looked for, no I yearned for, the fun in life.  I wanted to be on the go and having a good time.  College years were similar, though real life started to creep in a little bit.  Then real life did hit and I was still a fun-loving, dancing kind-of girl but responsibilities started to make me straighten up and get more serious.  Then children came and they became my life.  I still tried to have fun but exhaustion can take a serious toll on a girl.  When I look back it seems like I was in a state of oblivion.  I had no idea what was coming my way.  

But God did.

Many times I have expressed how I feel broken.  I am not the person I used to be.  I can still have fun and laugh and dance but there is something that just isn’t the same.  It can turn in a heartbeat.  One minute I am having a blast and the next minute I am depressed and ready to curl up in the fetal position in my bed.  I just did not see this coming.  

But God did.

He knew the life I needed to live to prepare me for this moment.  He had plans for me.  Plans that I wasn’t fulfilling before but He knew I would.  He placed triumphs and struggles, friends and enemies, life and death in my life at the exact moments that I needed them so that when the time came I would be ready.  

Ready for what?

Right now, I feel like He is calling me to find intimacy with Him and to share what I am experiencing and how I am growing.  That may and probably will morph into something more in the future.  But, for now, this is what I believe His plan is for me.  He had it made long before I was made.  I have no idea what is coming in the future.  I don’t know how my life will change or how I will react.  

But God does.

And because I know He does, then I know I can depend on Him to guide me and mold me.  To trust that I will continue to grow and bloom in His word.  Always being assured that He knows me and has great plans for me.  

Romans 8:18-30

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” 8:28 – from Uncle Randy

I have quoted this scripture so much recently.  There have been so many things that I have worried about lately – things that could affect our future stability, both physically and mentally. Yet, God continues to bring this verse to my mind.  But the most wonderful thing is that it is not the only scripture in this section that gives hope.  

Verse 18, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Present sufferings…not worth comparing…the glory that will be revealed in us.  Wow!  That right there quiets my soul.  

Then in verses 26-27, “…the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”  We have a helper, an advocate, One who knows what we need and helps us get it.  There have been times when my body felt like it was going to explode from stress and worry and grief.  I didn’t know what to say to God to help me because I didn’t know what I needed.  But He did, He still does.  I can call on His name and the Spirit intervenes for me and I am delivered.  

But verse 28, though,  “…all things God works for the good of those who love Him…”  He took a nightmare and is showing me that He is continuing to mold me into who He wants me to be.  He is making it good for me.  That is hard for me to comprehend.  I think that is why He lays this scripture on my heart so often.  To remind me of His love and His commitment to me.  And that I can rely on Him to get me through this life and all its twists and turns.  

Psalm 46

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and loam and the mountains quake with their surging.” 46:1-3 – from my cousin, Cathryn

God is my safe place. If I will rest in Him, the weight of the world is lifted off my back. When I forget to find my solace in Him, I feel like I am being pressed in on every side. There are so many things for me to stress about right now – my job, my family, our finances, the church family, etc.  I get so wrapped up in “what if’s” and “if only’s” that I start to feel like I’m going to explode.  But even if every one of those things falls apart around me, my God will be my help through it all.  He has already proven that to me. With the accident, absolutely, but even before that.  I can look back and see how He delivered me from sin, and heartache, and burdens that I didn’t think I could bear.  Then the unimaginable happened and He had prepared me.  He has proven Himself to me over and over and I cannot doubt Him.  He is my safe place.  

Isaiah 54

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10 – from Aunt Susan

I read this chapter and felt like I was back in a college literacy class.  I don’t do well with figurative language, I am a very literal girl – what I see is how I perceive. So I had to go to Joel for this one.  Listening to him talk about it encouraged me because what he explained is what I was thinking.  That boosted my ego a little bit.  But I want to encourage anyone reading this to not take my word for anything.  I should have said this a long time ago.  Please take the time to read these passages for yourself and see how God speaks to you.  You may have a completely different way of seeing things and I would love to hear it!

What Joel and I see in this chapter is the metaphor of God calling Israel a barren woman who Joel thinks might be Sarah, Abraham’s wife.  It makes sense when you see that He is calling her a barren woman then tells her she will not be shamed and can make her tent bigger because she will have descendants all over the nations.  In verse 8 God says, “In a surge of anger I hid My face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you.” Maybe this is talking about how Israel has turned its back on God.  They did not believe and trust in Him and He turned His back on them and let them fall into despair.  

However, the hope comes in verse 9 where He swears to never be angry or rebuke them again.  The promises of God are never broken.  This is where the hope is found – JESUS IS COMING!!! God promises that His “unfailing love will not be shaken nor [His] covenant of peace be removed,” verse 10.  His plan was in the works then. His Son would be sent to earth to sacrifice Himself for us.  His plan is in the works now.  There is a great day coming when our Savior will call us back home and we won’t have to fear, or be in pain, or cry out in grief, or feel weary.  That day is coming and all will be made right!  

Psalm 13

“But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing the Lord’s praise, for He has been good to me.” Psalm 13:5-6 – from my cousin, Kaylee

The first four verses of this Psalm cry out to God – Why am I suffering?  Why can’t I be relieved? Why must I go through this? How long, Lord?  Answer me, Lord, or I will be defeated!

This is how I have felt many days since the accident.  I know I felt like this at times before the accident but the magnitude of the devastation dwarfs all my prior troubles.  I sat holding Phoebe in my arms a few nights ago as she cried because she missed Keren and I looked in the mirror over her shoulder.  I stared in the face I have looked at all my life and wondered why on earth this had to happen to me.  How am I the one that had to suffer like this?  The thing I always feared came true and it broke me.  

Now I live knowing that God’s unfailing love keeps me together.  All the broken pieces that laid shattered on the floor have been put back in place.  But this time, I’m a new creation.  One who has known deep, deep grief and who can find great, great joy.  

I heard this song for the first time at the benefit concert held in our honor one month after the accident.  It blew me away.  Not just because of how great the song is, but because I could sing it with absolute certainty.  My God has saved me and I will sing His praise because He has been good to me.

Psalm 116

 “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants.” Psalm 116:15 – from Mimi

This is the verse that Joel had engraved on his parents’ gravestone.  Delmer and Delores (Peachie and PopPop to their grandkids) lived amazing lives that glorified the Lord.  They were counselors, teachers, elders, leaders, singers, and devout studiers of His Word.  

Delmer served as an elder in the church and taught adult Bible classes on Sunday mornings and 4-6th grade Bible classes on Sunday and Wednesday nights.  In his career he was a social worker and touched many lives through his job, but even in retirement people knew they could come to him for counseling and help.  He shared the wisdom he received from God with his family, both blood and church.  He was a faithful servant of the Lord.

Delores cooked a meal for over 60 people every Sunday.  Along with feeding our church family, she taught pre-K-3rd grade Bible classes on Sunday and Wednesday nights.  Her beautiful singing voice worshipped God loud and proud.  She was the decision-maker in the family and always kept others’ needs above her own.  She was a faithful servant of the Lord.  

These two were not perfect but they tried to be.  They sought the Lord in all they did and knew their Savior in an intimate way.  God could rejoice in their death because they got to come home to Him.  I’m so thankful that God sees our death as a celebration.  That means we can see it that way too.  A rejoicing that the servants who leave this life are made perfect.  Again, it is what has given me so much hope and helped me to withstand my mourning.  

Psalm 138

“In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.” Psalm 138:3 – from Mimi, my precious grandmother

On the worst day of my life, I began crying out to God like I never had before.  He has pulled me through some very tough situations throughout my life and every time I cried out to Him I could feel His presence and I could feel Him working.  So I knew, if I cried out to Him that He would carry me. And I was right.  

He not only empowered me with strength to keep breathing and to place one foot in front of the other; but He also empowered my speech.  I was saying things I never thought I knew or had the courage to say.  Just one month after the accident He placed me on a stage in front of hundreds of people to share a message.  He showed me what a platform Facebook is, and now this blog, to write what He puts on my heart.  He has made me bold with strength in my soul.

I am no longer afraid to share what God places on my heart.  There is nothing more important than His Word. NOTHING. He has shown me that it is His love letter to me, to you, to the world.  Why, on earth, would I ever be afraid of sharing it with others?  If it is shared with love, the love the Father has for us – not some self-righteous, only because I have to love – but real love that sees each person He created the way that He sees them, then there is nothing to fear.  We can be bold with strength in our soul because He loves us and wants us and answers when we call!  

Matthew 6:25-34

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34 – from Charles Orr

The words of Jesus.  The most precious words in the Bible.  I have to admit that I have a hard time reading anything outside of the gospels because I just keep wanting to come back to Jesus’s time on earth.  I know that men wrote these books, but they documented the words from our Savior, Himself.  I have a hard time tearing myself away from them.  And in this section are words to live by – DO NOT WORRY!

I am a worrier.  I come by it honestly, as my mom will attest to. I am constantly thinking about the bad things that can happen and it has caused me to live my life small.  I shy away from risks, forbid my children to take part in certain things, and cringe when I’ve heard some of the stunts they have pulled without my knowing.  Most of all, though, I have worried about the well-being of my children.  Everyday I would question what I would do if something happened to them.  I would put myself in different scenarios and try to figure out what I would need to do to ensure safety.  I constantly worried about tomorrow. Then, there was Keren.

Keren was not like my other three.  They are wild and full of life, but were pretty trainable and never really took dangerous chances when they were little.  Yes, I had to call Poison Control on each of them at one point in their lives, but it was for eating too much toothpaste or spraying 409 in their mouths because it felt funny.  With Keren, I was afraid I was going to get Child Services called on me because I had to call Poison Control so many times.  She was into EVERYTHING.  She would put anything in her mouth, climb on anything high, pull on anything she wanted to see, and stick an object into any hole she found (including electrical outlets and her ears).  I said many times that I was so thankful every time I put her to bed without any injuries.  I worried about her constantly.  And then came the day when I couldn’t put her to bed anymore.  All my worrying had not saved her life.

In preparing for the trip she was taking with her grandparents, I thought about the different scenarios that could happen and I mainly focused on dry drowning because they would be swimming in their hotel pool and Delmer and Delores had never taken them swimming before.  I knew what an animal she was in the water and it terrified me that they wouldn’t know what to do if she inhaled too much water or to watch for signs for the effects after she was out of the pool.  I remember Delmer coming over the day before to get their suitcases and little “couchbeds” they would be sleeping on in the hotel.  I had forgotten to send something with them and I had to run back over to their house to drop off one more thing and found Delmer and Delores on the porch watering their ferns together.  I remember feeling uneasy because this was the first time the girls would be going on a trip without me.  But I kept telling myself not to worry, that everything was going to be fine.  But yet, I worried.  I couldn’t help it.  And what good did that worrying do? None.  I could have told them they couldn’t go.  I could have taken away the joy they all felt about going on this trip because I worried too much.  I could have, but I didn’t.  I’ve thought a million times about how I could have saved her life and spared Phoebe her injuries.  But even if I had said they couldn’t go, who’s to say that something equally awful wouldn’t have happened that day or the day after?

I believe the point Jesus is making is that we are not supposed to focus on the physical, the temporary, but the Kingdom, the eternal.  He says that God will take care of us.  That doesn’t mean that if we believe then nothing bad will happen.  It also doesn’t mean once something bad has happened, nothing else bad is going to happen.  It does mean that God will take care of us – through the good and the bad.  If you get terminally ill, God has got you.  If your child dies, God has got you.  If you become critically injured and can’t provide for your family, God has got you.  If you are physically, verbally, mentally abused, God has got you.  That doesn’t mean He will rescue you from your worldly troubles, but He will rescue your soul.  He will give you peace here and everlasting life forever if you will seek His Kingdom and His Righteousness first.

Took the kids to Party on Air to celebrate their hard work in the 2nd 9 weeks of school. It was so much fun to watch them explode with joy and just bounce all over the place. And wouldn’t you know that God would show up and teach me something right in the midst of it.

While Lilly and Leah were struggling to climb up the Spider Climb (a bunch of stretchy ropes that lead to the opening of a very tall slide) there were a few other kids in there struggling with them. The bands were stretching and moving and they were all shaky and unsure where to place their feet, they just couldn’t find their balance. Then, finally, one of the girls just reached her foot over and placed it on the beam holding the structure together. She took a breath and had absolute relief on her face. She found her security ON SOLID GROUND!!!

It blew me away! I even burst out with laughter and the proclamation of it to all those around. Those awful stretchy bands they were struggling to climb are my worries, the things I think I need to achieve to keep moving upward, what I keep stepping on to find my balance. But all I have to do is reach my foot over and stand ON SOLID GROUND, ON HIS HOLY WORD, THE PROMISE HE HAS MADE TO ME!!! That is where I will find my stability.

John 3:1-21

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 – From Mimi and Granddaddy

This may be the scripture above all scriptures.  It is written on t-shirts and faces of sports figures.  It is waved on flags and placed on church signs.  It is the most wonderful message in the entire world – ever.  And it is the message given to a Pharisee who came under cover of night to find out who Jesus really is.  

The Pharisees, collectively, did not believe Jesus was the Son of God, so Nicodemus had to sneak over to see Him, to ask Him his questions.  Jesus tried to explain to him about being born again but he couldn’t understand it.  Jesus wondered how he could understand Him, when Jesus first tried to teach the Pharisees with parables – which they had used for many, many years to teach others about God – and they couldn’t even understand those. So an earthly story with a heavenly meaning was going to be out of his range of comprehension.

So Jesus broke it down in verses 16 and 17.  “God loves you, He sent Me to save you.”  

Then He pointed the finger at Nicodemus.  He told him that Light has come but people love darkness because what they do is evil and don’t want their deeds to be seen.  He said this to a man who professed to believe in God and ruled on the Jewish council, yet came in the dark to seek out Jesus.  He didn’t want his deeds to be seen by his fellow cohorts.  

Jesus found a way to get him to understand.  He does the same for me.  He knows me and how to get me to listen.  So when He is teaching me, I need to pay attention.  Because He loves me and has saved me, I can put all my hope and understanding in Him.