Fighting Fire with Light

Now, here I am, on the third Sunday of not being with my church family.  It is time for me to come up for air and find my way back to dry land.

During the school year, I have no time for TV.  But being stuck inside the house this week has turned me into quite the couch potato.  And I discovered Downton Abbey. I tried to watch it back when it was first popular but didn’t find it interesting and didn’t give it any more thought.  Then it showed up on my Amazon account and I thought, “Why not?” I fell in love immediately. The first two seasons were filled with scandal, and love, secrets, and romance, and I was squealing with delight by the end of Season 2.  Then I watched Season 3. It got real. Suffering, grief, and anguish reared their ugly heads and I found myself in a puddle on the floor.

It’s a great drama.  The writer is skillfully talented at creating suspense, timing scene changes at just the right moment, and getting the audience to fall in love with the characters, even the undesirable ones.  There are so many times that the Dowager delivers a line that drops such a truth bomb you feel the wind rush out of your lungs.

I started to notice that the really horrible tragedies (which every good drama needs) were happening to the most loved characters and the awful characters that you want to see “get theirs” were coming out smelling like roses.  I first thought this was just great screenplay writing to keep the audience interested. But then I realized that it was inspiring me. Bad things were happening to good people and they lived on and thrived.

The Dowager, played by Maggie Smith, is by far my absolute favorite character.  She is snobbish, rude, haughty, entitled, manipulative, yet, her experience with life has imparted her with such wisdom that she actually “gets it”.  Her actions are always meant for the betterment of her family, even if sometimes those actions are twisted. She has love and she is not afraid to do anything she needs to so that she can protect those she loves.  Which means she makes mistakes and sometimes hurts those around her, but doesn’t shy away from saying and doing what she thinks is best.

There are moments when she is trying to help her hurting loved ones that feel like she is talking right to me, especially when it is dealing with grief.  As she sits on the bed to talk to her granddaughter about how to live her life after her loss, I know the words she is going to say before she speaks them because they are the same words Joel spoke to me soon after the accident, “Are you going to choose death or life?” When another character doesn’t want to find joy because she feels like it means she has forgotten her lost one, the Dowager encourages her to find her smile again and the character ends up acquiring a sense of peace. When her son and daughter-in-law are separated by their grief, she intervenes to help them find their way back to each other so that they can go through their grief together.   

Life is real.  And while this is just a show, it made me realize that I am going to continue to go through storms in life. I may not have handled this recent storm with very much faithfulness, as a matter of fact, I got pretty angry.  But God still delivered me through it. I have asked for His forgiveness for turning my eyes away from Him and to the tossing waves instead. But He still reached out His hand and pulled me out of the waters that were drowning me.  I just kept taking these big, relieving sighs on my way home from the hospital today. Not trying to catch my breath, like when I’m hyperventilating, but knowing that I can depend on Him and that His love never leaves me.

I had my doubts about Leah having her tonsillectomy last Friday.  We had originally had it scheduled for the beginning of June last year, but after the accident, there was no way it was going to happen.  Then she kept getting sick so we scheduled it again for Christmas break. But I was still not in an emotional state to see one of my children go through trauma again so we canceled it.  Then she kept getting sick through the spring and we knew that it had to be done. I wanted her to get to go to camp but also have time at home to recover and enjoy the end of her summer as well before heading back to school.  So we scheduled it for last Friday.

I had picked her up from camp the day before and she was on cloud 9.  She had the best time meeting new friends and growing closer to God. She talked my ear off the whole way home.  It was so wonderful to see her so happy. But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking, “She is so well and after tomorrow she is going to be so sick.”  I really didn’t want to do it but I knew it needed to be done so she could stop getting so sick so often.

The day of the surgery, we came home and she was ok.  She didn’t feel that well but we managed to get a little food and water in her and I prayed so hard that she would have a quick recovery.  I knew God didn’t want me to suffer anymore and He would pull her through without much trouble. But Saturday morning she woke up sick to her stomach and had over 102-degree fever.  The waters began to rise up to my knees. I got her to the ER and they gave her an IV and took some blood and after about 4 hours she had perked up and lab results were good so they sent us home.  “Ok, God,” I thought, “We had to hit a little bump but I know that now you will help her get well fast.” Joel was leaving for camp on Sunday for the week and I was sure that she was going to be fine.

And she did improve for a few days.  By Tuesday she was eating better and enjoying time outside.  But Wednesday came. She didn’t sleep well the night before and so I let her sleep for a while that morning to get plenty of rest.  She woke up around midday and started screaming. I was terrified, I had no idea what was wrong. She was holding her head and freaking out and I was helpless.  Her ears and jaws had started hurting. This is a normal thing, and once I got out of her what was wrong, I tried to help her get through it. It took me just holding her for about 5 minutes while the pain was at its worst, then she could calm down and manage.  This went on all through Wednesday, that night, and all day Thursday. The waters were rushing in again and covering me up to my waist. But by Thursday night the pain was lessening and I thought we were out of the woods again.

Then there was blood.

She woke up like usual in the middle of the night Thursday night in pain and I went in to help her drink some water and take some meds.  But when I roused her I saw dark spots on her face. I immediately turned the lights on and saw red everywhere. Spots all over her bed, clothes, pillow, and face.  I freaked out. The flood waters were up to my chest. I got her in the car immediately and took her to the ER. (I did call my sister-in-law for help to watch the kids that were still in bed.)  By the time we got to the hospital her bleeding had stopped. The doctor thought she was fine, her blood work they took looked great and they sent us back home. But I kept thinking, “God, why is this still happening?  Why is she still suffering? Please heal her quickly!”

Friday was a much better day.  She was up playing and goofing around and I just thought, “Ok, now it’s over.  We are on the downhill path.” Joel came home from camp, we were all together again, life was getting better.  

Then there was blood, again.

Friday night she woke up 3 times bleeding.  I didn’t freak out because I had read up and realized that it was just her scabs coming off and stitches coming out and it was normal.  By Saturday morning, after the third bout of bleeding, I called the doctor to make sure all was still good. He said he would like to look at her and asked me to meet him at his office so we didn’t have to fool with going to the ER yet again.  I thought this was a great solution and felt better about it. I had no sooner hung up the phone, that Leah woke up again. But this time, well, I won’t go into detail but it was so scary it looked like the scene in a horror movie where the zombie had gotten ahold of its prey.  (Leah’s take on the bloody scene.)

That was it, I was completely under the water.  I called the doctor, he met us at the ER and sent her into surgery.  She had to have several places cauterized again to stop the bleeding and we had to spend the night in the hospital.

It never fails.  Whenever I have time off from school I have a breakdown.  I started to realize it the first year I taught after moving here 4 years ago.  The first couple of days off all the emotions that I didn’t have time to deal with while being in the trenches came down on my like gunfire and it usually resulted in a screaming, crying, irrational fit.  I learned to watch for it and when I saw it coming, tried to work through it with as little destruction as possible.

This year, though, I wasn’t hiding in a trench.  I was building a dam. I was “walling” up the stressors that I didn’t have the time or the want-to to deal with.  The horrible thing was that I didn’t realize I was building it until the dam broke and the flood began to drown me.  I started to feel it as we approached our end-of-the-year state testing at the end of May. I could tell something was wrong with me.  I wasn’t looking forward to being able to relax in my classroom with my students as I usually do each year. My skin became so uncomfortable on me that I wanted to crawl out of it.  Then once school was out, I thought I would be able to take a second and breathe and work through whatever was bothering me. But that didn’t happen since my smart self decided to schedule all the doctor’s appointments for all the kids that first week off so that every day I was still in motion and not able to spend time on what was wrong with me.  

Then came the news of some celebrities that had committed suicide and all the social media posts that followed about depression and getting help and paying attention to signs.  That was when I really paid attention to myself. I started to have scary thoughts, unreasonable, horrific, not-who-God-made-me thoughts. I realized that I was sinking into depression.  Not situational depression, but a darkness that was snuffing out every ounce of light in me. I kept putting on a happy face and trying to have that joy that I wrote all about.  Again, ignoring my emotions and the stressors that I kept shoving to the side – building that dam back up.  

But I was working against running water.  And I wasn’t able to build it very high before it collapsed again.  My hyperventilation became so serious that I couldn’t catch my breath and started to get dizzy.  I couldn’t think straight about anything. I started treating my family badly, and I started to turn inside on myself.  

Then this week happened.  And, I am going to admit, I did not walk gracefully through the storm.

Getting through all the firsts is so difficult when going through grief – the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first vacation without the loved one(s) you have lost.  The entire first year was filled with these moments. Some were big events and some were little things that felt like giants. Every time I knew it was coming I would dread it and just press on until it was over, hoping to find joy and new memories to fill the heartache.  God always blessed me through the “missing” and yet I would question if I could get through the next one. Then, the year was over. We made it through all the firsts.

So, now what?  Is “moving on” what is next?  I feel this sense of relief that God saw me through and I know that He will continue to do so.  The sense of loss feels differently now. It feels like I have these grandfather clock weights in my chest.  When I think of Keren a weight drops and I feel pain right in the middle of my chest. But after a few moments the weight is lifted back up and I can keep moving.  Satan tries to fill my head with, “You’ll never see her again.” But immediately God fills my head with, “Yes, you will.” And I can believe Him because I have seen what He will do.  Because I’ve seen what He will do, I don’t have to worry about what the future holds. I don’t have to stay focused on the absence of Keren that will be present the rest of our lives.  I can feel that absence and actually cherish it. I know that I had a wonderful gift in that sassy, wild, funny, loving little girl. I also know that she is still alive and I will see her again.  

I don’t like the term “moving on” because it sounds like I’m going to forget about her.  That is not what I will do. While talking to Joel on the front porch the other night he helped me with this.  I was struggling because I couldn’t decide if my feelings I had been having were “moving on” feelings. He came up with the term “continuing to live”.  It describes perfectly what I feel. I will continue to live in the knowledge that my God is good. I will continue to live with joy in my heart because He placed it there for me. I will continue to live in love for others. I will continue to live in action, bringing as many as I can into the Kingdom with me.  I will continue to live trusting that He will get me through every hardship I have to face. I will continue to LIVE!

Friday morning, I felt it.  After I was up and moving about, getting ready for the day, I realized this light, freeing emotion was welling up inside of me.  It was what I had been praying for and I realized God had delivered me. He got me through the first year that sometimes I wasn’t sure I would see the end of.  And He got me there through love. His love for me never wavered. I felt it on my darkest days, even when I questioned it. I felt it on the days when I would think I was doing fine and then my feelings turned at the drop of a hat.  I felt it on the days when I thought I might be “normal” again but knew I never would be.

I can feel the presence of my Lord when I am alone and talking with Him by myself but I can also feel His presence through His people.

Romans 12:9-13:  9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 

So many have followed these verses and shown us what true love is, what the Kingdom of Heaven will be like.  And on Friday, I woke up knowing that our friends and friends of friends were reaching out to others in need and showing the love of Jesus, per our request on Facebook.  The eruption of the Holy Spirit I had been hoping for was happening and I felt JOY!!!  

We spent the day loving on each other and remembering our precious people that God gave us.  There were tears shed but there was also a lot of laughter. We spent the rest of the weekend cheering on Jesse as he ran in a 5K, celebrating Phoebe’s birthday (more on that on her actual birthday), and watching beautiful dancing at the girls’ dance recital.  We appreciated the life that God has given us here on earth and the life that He promises we will have for eternity. We were able to experience JOY because of LOVE!

This morning I woke up with heaviness on my heart and tears in my eyes.  I don’t know why some days I can be full of glee and energy and then some days not feel like I have an ounce of motivation.  There are many things going on with my emotions today and I see myself letting anger take place over joy. I’m taking it out on my kids, my students, my husband, and worst of all, God.  I actually “got onto” Him today about a situation that I don’t understand why He is not resolving. This situation has nothing to do with me but a dear friend that is suffering. But, in seeing her suffering, I was reminded of my own and it made me mad all over again.  I don’t live with this anger but it does resurface every once and a while. And when it does, it is really hard to dig its claws out of my flesh.

Dear God,

My foot is slipping.  I feel myself sliding into a pit of muck and mire and that is not where I want to be.  It is not where You want me to be. I know Your love will keep me out of that awful place.  I know that when my emotions start to go haywire that You will bring me joy. I will come to Your words when I’m feeling myself falling.  I will let them fill me with Your Spirit so that I can feel Your presence surround me. Thank You, God, for taking care of me. Thank You for showing me that You make all things good.  I can trust in You.

In Jesus’s name I come to You,

Amen

In my early twenties, Joel and I lived in Kansas City, MO.  We attended a wonderful church where we met wonderful friends who became family.  During that time, we worked with the youth group. I met weekly with the teenage girls in one of their homes.  Since this was not my college degree, I was trying to find ways to minister to them on my own.

I found a devotional built around perseverance.  I filled a large glass bowl with marbles and poured ice water over them.  I then offered a reward to the girl that could get the most marbles out of the bowl using her toes.  We always had a good laugh together so it was fun seeing them wince in pain and barely be able to get more than 2 or 3 marbles out before they gave up and wrapped their foot up in a towel to get warm.  However, there was one girl who was determined. She quickly surpassed all the other girls in the number of marbles she retrieved but she didn’t stop with just being the winner. She continued to pull out one marble after another.  We started squealing in pain for her. We could see her foot turning purple and all I could think about was how mad her mom would be at me when she found out that I caused her to have nerve damage from hypothermia. I began to beg her to stop.  Her foot was turning blue and her fingers were bent at weird angles because of the stress she was under. But she wouldn’t stop until every last marble was out of the bowl.

I intended this to be a lesson that showed them how to endure the troubles of this world.  When most of them bowed out quickly, I felt bad for calling them out for not trying harder. And then I looked at the one who persevered.  She was sitting there with a heating pad wrapped around her shriveled foot and had the most brilliant smile plastered across her face. She felt a sense of achievement.  She had persevered.

Is this joy in pain?  Forcing yourself to endure the suffering so that you can continue to grow into who God created you to be? Is joy seeing the end result while still in the middle of the refining process? Can you have joy in the middle of pain?

She was not smiling while her foot lost feeling in the icy cold water.  Her face was contorted in pain with shrieks of agony coming out of her mouth.  Yet every time she successfully pulled a marble out of the water, she let out a sigh of relief – one more obstacle out of the way, one step closer to the finish line.  And when that final marble was pulled out and she was able to wrap her foot in warmth, she felt satisfied. Her work was complete. She had “done good”.

That is how we will feel when this life is over.  Every obstacle that we get past, remembering the reward that lies ahead of us, moves us into a state of completion.  That is where we find joy in pain.

Psalm 61

“I long to dwell in Your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.  For You, God, have heard my vows; You have given me the heritage of those who fear Your name.” 61:4-5

Yes, Lord, this is what I want.  To be with You.

I keep looking to the future, when I finally get to leave this life and be in heaven.  It is something that gets me excited. The day when I will not feel any sorrow, or pain, or temptation sounds like my reward for all I’ve been through.  But sometimes, I start to question why I have to wait. Why can’t I go ahead and start feeling that peace now? And, I think the answer is, “I can.” Yes, I have felt a peace that transcends all understanding but I am talking about an even deeper peace.  One that doesn’t just help me get through the moment, but one that transcends the moment. I struggle to write these words, as it scares me a little. I don’t know if I am capable of letting that peace into my life. But I am going to try. I am going to try to live my life like I’ve already received my reward, like I have already entered heaven.  That doesn’t mean that I won’t face any more sorrows or pain on earth, but when I do, my God will help me transcend it. He will bring me into His tent and shelter me with His wings. I will be safe in His guardianship.

2 Corinthians 12:1-10

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 12:9-10

Is it okay to be broken?  The fact that I feel so much weaker now than I ever have has caused me to question my response to all that has happened.  If I am weak, can I still show God’s power? If I am weak, can others still see the love of Jesus in me? If I am weak, can the peace that passes all understanding still be seen in me?  These verses above answer with a resounding, “YES!”

I have always been a very strong-willed, independent person (just ask my parents, my husband, my kids, my co-workers,…) but, since the accident, my brain has been taken over by grief and it has debilitated my thought processes.  Small things that I used to proclaim dominance over can now make me crumble. Day-to-day problems that I used to handle with ease can now cause me to break out in a cold sweat. I have never felt this weak and yet I have never felt so much strength.  

That is what these verses teach me.  The fact that I used to be proud of my strength was something that kept me from understanding God’s power.  But now in my weakness, I have to reach out to God to sustain me and I am finding more power than I ever had before.  

So many people have told me how strong I am.  But it’s not me, it is God. I realize that and it humbles me while making me feel 10 feet tall.  Yes, I am weak. I can’t deal with things the way that I used to be able to. But, PRAISE GOD! Because now I have His power to sustain me and I will not rely on my own.  I will delight in my weakness so that His power may rest on me!