August 9, 2017
3 months and all healed!!! GOD IS SO GOOD!
HEALED!!!
Author: kellmhodell
From Joel – August 8, 2017
I’ve been struggling for a while now with anger. I’ve been trying to understand the why. I kept coming to places that I couldn’t be at peace with. Yesterday I finally got to the only place I feel like I can.
God is good. His plans are beyond my mortal understanding. I can have the peace I desire if I live by faith. Faith that all will be revealed in His perfect timing. God loves me, and He does not delight in my suffering.
God did not fail, He is not finished, this is not about evil, but about good.
I will see their faces again and it will all be made perfect by the blood of the lamb.
Signs of Love
August 2, 2017
Signs of love! I started back to work this week. I was apprehensive but God is taking care of us. He sent a rainbow last night. He also put love on the hearts of my men – Jesse picked me a huge bouquet of sunflowers that I put all over the house and my amazing husband cooked a special breakfast for me this morning. I’ve also received so many uplifting texts from people thinking of me and sweet hugs from co-workers and parents of students. I feel the love and my heart is full!
Warrior Woman
July 25, 2017
In Gaelic, the name Kelly means – Warrior…
Saturday night, while sitting with my brother, sister-in-law, and cousins, I was explaining to them how I feel like a part of me has broken off and fallen away. The goofy, silly, fun-loving girl I used to be is not where I can find her. I can enjoy moments of happiness when I am around others. I told them how in my quiet times, though, I don’t feel like the same person anymore and it scares me. My sister-in-law asked me if I should be scared of it or embrace it. Immediately I told her I was scared, but her question clung to me. I began to contemplate it and seek God’s answer to it.
The next morning, before we began worship, the word “warrior” came to me. I felt peace with this word. Then we began singing and it felt like song after song was about victory and one song even had the word warrior in it. Then Joel got up to speak and in his message he talked about how suffering helps us see who God wants us to be. It gets us to the person He created. That’s when I remembered what my name means. I know my parents gave me that name but I’ve always loved it’s meaning. I’ve always considered myself strong, maybe not confident, but strong. But I had no idea just how strong God created me to be. God created me to be a warrior for Him. This is something I can embrace!
Right now, the war I have to fight is the darkness inside myself. Joel helped me understand that when I was talking to him about this. But once that has been defeated, I will seek to fight for justice in this world. That does not mean I will fight for worldly rights or go after criminals or wrongdoers. I will shine His light so that the darkness in others will be defeated as well. I want to use what God has shown me to help others fight their battles.
This is what God is showing me in my sufferings. This is who God created me to be. What about you? Who is God turning you into through your sufferings? Are you allowing Him to use you or are you fighting Him because you need someone to be angry with? He is not your enemy, He is your creator and knows you better than you know yourself. I will find my joy again because I’m not going to let the enemy win. Then I will use it to be God’s WARRIOR!!!
Ephesians 6:11-17
The Crash Site
July 22, 2017
We had to drive by the crash site for the first time yesterday on our way to Alabama. As we pulled onto the parkway my heart began to race and my tears began to fall as I thought about how this is what they saw in their last moments. The accident didn’t happen until about 30 miles down the road so the whole time I was in anguish. Would there still be marks on the road or in the grass? Would I see the damaged trees? Would there be some sort of marker put there by someone to remember them? We didn’t know exactly where it happened, another one of those things in the police report that we forgot on purpose. But we knew about where it happened. So as we got closer my stomach started to turn, my heart beat faster, and I couldn’t sit still. When we got to the point where we started looking for evidence we noticed something. All along that side of the road were guardrails, rock walls, and even a 20 foot drop into a river. But they were hit in an area where there was a large patch of flat grass and a line of trees further out. If they had been hit anywhere else, there would have been no survivors.
Once we got past the town our hearts settled down and we could relax a little but it really didn’t ease up completely until we got off the parkway.
This is a road we will have to travel many times to leave town. We contemplated trying some other route but we knew we needed to go ahead and go that way. We were both very nervous about seeing the site but also the trip in general. But we knew we couldn’t stay in our little town and live in fear forever. We knew all we could do was pray. And, boy, did I. The entire way. And, yet again, God delivered. I prayed for peace and comfort and He showed me how much worse it could’ve been. So when we got back to the hotel last night I let our little miracle get in the pool, brace and all. I tried to keep her as dry as I could but she’s too spunky and energetic for that. It took a long time, and the use of a hairdryer, to get her dried out but it was worth it to see her smiling, splashing, and enjoying life. Thank you, God, for letting me keep her!
Thinking About the Man Who Killed My Family
July 17, 2017
This morning I woke up angry, not at God, but at Satan. I dreamt about the truck driver that killed my family last night. I found him on Facebook and saw a man that looked like an addict. But as I looked through his pictures, I saw a past of family and joy and that is what made me angry. Satan comes in, if we allow him, and destroys everything.
I don’t remember the driver’s name. I forgot it as soon as I heard it, on purpose. I didn’t want to hold onto it and let him be the source of my anger. Because, I’ve said this before, I envision demons clinging to him, causing him to drive that truck into their car.
This morning, as I tried to run but couldn’t, I walked and cried. The anger came rushing out and I just couldn’t bear it. There are so many hurting hearts in this world. Many people have used the words, “Lord, come quickly!” in expressing their sorrow for us. But I just keep thinking, “No! Not until more souls are saved!” I want everyone to come to know the peace and joy God gives us.
In a conversation with a friend the other day, I said that because of the tragedies his family and mine have been through people will be more willing to listen to us. I said it is time to be BOLD! I hope this is true because here goes…
If you are looking for worldly things to comfort you it won’t work. Love/sex, family/children/grandchildren, drugs/alcohol, tv/gaming, food, health/fitness, travel, shopping, sports, work, money, etc. These are things that we are told will bring us joy if we do them right. But I’m here to tell you, they won’t! None of these things would help me through what I’ve been through and if I relied on any of them I would most likely be a horrible, sad, depressed version of myself. God and His word lift me up and keep me going. He is faithful. He is loving. He is compassionate. He corrects and molds us into who He created us to be if we let Him.
Loosen the grip of the demons that have their claws in your flesh. I have to do this everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. My love for Him isn’t perfect but His love for me is. He loves you in the same way. Come to know Him and receive the gift He freely gives to all of us. Don’t let Satan win your heart! I love you all so much and want to spend eternity with you worshiping the One who made us all!
A Dream
July 7, 2017
Sunday night, God gave me a dream. It wasn’t the dream I was hoping for or expecting (which is how God works) but it was what I asked for (which is also how God works). A few years ago, I had seen a movie where a father had a dream of his son, who had been killed in a tragic accident, running and laughing through beautiful fields and it brought him out of his depression and into a renewed hope. That was what I had been asking God for from the beginning – let me see Keren and know that she is okay.
Instead, my dream went like this: I was called to the hospital. They took me into a room and told me that Keren was alive. I couldn’t understand because we had been through the funeral, it had been weeks since the accident. But they told me that a nurse realized she was breathing before they took her to the funeral home and rescued her. As dreams go, this didn’t make sense, but the next moment they brought her in to me. She was breathing and moving and I was holding her. I could feel her skin and cuddle her close and listen to her breathing. But the whole time I couldn’t understand it.
When I went to show the kids, they were just stunned, not happy. Phoebe even hid behind her daddy with her head down. Then I kept thinking, “How am I going to explain this to everyone?” It didn’t seem right. I had accepted that she was gone and now she was here. It was kind-of an anti-climactic moment.
I woke up at 4:30 in the morning in a panic. How was I supposed to process this? I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t excited, I felt guilty. Why didn’t I respond the way I was supposed to when I saw her? Why weren’t the kids happy? Why was I worried about everyone else but her?
I talked with Joel about it and my friends that were still here from Tennessee. I didn’t want to read too much into it at first because I wasn’t in a quiet place to contemplate it – there were a lot of people at my house. So I’ve been thinking about it and realized, maybe, what it meant.
“This world is not my home, I’m just a-passing through. My treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from heaven’s open doors. And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore!” This is the song God placed on my heart this morning. The reason I didn’t respond in the “right” way was because Keren wasn’t home anymore, she was back on earth. And that was wrong.
After the concert on June 11, I went into a depression. Life slowed way down and I was having serious difficulty moving in any direction but down. I would force myself to try and have fun, but I would quickly find myself short of patience and gentleness. I just wanted to be in my bed and not have to do anything. I was worried about our friends from Tennessee coming in because I didn’t know if I could handle that many people being around all the time. I cried every day, sometimes all day, with little whispers of calm but not much. But after this dream, something lifted off of me – this weight that has been making my eyes feel heavy and my heart ache constantly.
I’m still sad and I cried last night when something reminded me of her. We ate our first meal in Delmer and Delores’s house that is now Joel’s sister’s house this week and it was tough. But I can look at the picture of the three of them on my wall and feel at home because they are home.
Praise God that He knows what we need and when we need it!
He Knew Where to Hit Me, But My God is Bigger
June 30, 2017
There is something about me that a few people know about – my Tennessee book club friends, high school/college friends that watched movies with me – I do not, no, I cannot handle sad stories. I’ve never been able to deal with sorrow. I mourned for 3 days after watching Titanic, I fell apart in my bedroom the day after watching Untamed Heart, my dad and I both sat and cried during Fox and the Hound. I even get angry when I don’t know something tragic is coming – I was livid when I walked out of City of Angels and had to ask for forgiveness from my book club after going off about Light on Snow. Some people can find beauty and encouragement in these stories, I could not.
But, here I am, in my very own tragedy. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, how Satan knew right where to hit me. In the hospital, I was so focused on Phoebe that I didn’t really have time to process it. When we came home, the noticed absence of all 3 was so prevalent that I almost got on medication to deal with it. But I didn’t and if you go back and read my posts from that time you can see that God was what got me through it. Now, it feels different. It’s hard to explain. The concert gave me something to look forward to. But that’s over now. The kids had camp to look forward to. But that’s over now. And school is creeping closer and real life is starting to set in. There are moments where I think I’m going to be ok and then I completely fall apart, like this morning. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s ok to grieve, that it’s ok to not be ok. But, you see, for me it’s not. If I’m not ok I sink into despair, my mind goes numb, I lose my patience, and I forget about God. I’m sure this is normal for many people going through grief and I’ve been told it will get better with time. I know it will because I’ve already seen a difference from the beginning to now. God has not abandoned me and I know he won’t. But if I did not have that to hold on to, I would be in living death right now.
Since this has happened I’ve seen so many others going through such tragedy. Public figures that I trust and use as spiritual guidance are going through divorce and having very sick children. People close to me are dealing with panic, anxiety, and fear. And I have to force myself to remember that we are not alone. Not only is our God guiding us and comforting us through it all, but He also gave us each other.
Love each other, support each other, have grace for each other, and remind each other Who is getting us through this life so that we can be with Him forever!
I love you all and thank you for loving on us!
God’s Hand in Paint
June 17, 2017
Leah ended up having a rough transition coming back home from camp last night. After the excitement over her newly painted room wore off she had a reminder of Keren that made her sad. Then she tried to hang out with friends at a birthday party but couldn’t find it in herself to have fun. She just kept saying that she felt weird and wanted to be alone. Joel and I had already been having a rough week with her being gone and then to see her upset took a toll on us. We went up to her room at bedtime to sit with her and try talking to her to help her feel better. She was smiling and kept thanking me for painting her room. Then, all of a sudden, her eyes got huge and she exclaimed, “Mom, these are the same colors that you picked out for me to make a bracelet for you in the hospital!” You see, one of the gifts she got at the very beginning was a bracelet maker and I chose the colors blue (for Jesse), purple (for Leah), pink (for Phoebe), and green (for Keren) to make mine with. I had not realized it when I was choosing the paint colors, I was just trying to match the pictures on her walls. Leah immediately proclaimed it a “God thing” and realized that His hand was in the painting of her room. She said, “Now I’m really glad that you painted my room.” Jesse even said, “Uh, Leah, I may be spending a lot more time in here.” My children see God working in our lives! Praise Him from whom all blessings flow!!!
A Confession
June 7, 2017
I have been struggling with sharing this part of our story because I don’t know how it’s going to be received. But today something happened that made me think it’s time to share it. So, here goes…
About 2 weeks before the accident, Jesse opened up to me about some bad decisions he had been making at school with his friends. I didn’t press him for details but he told me he was being a follower instead of a leader and asked me to start praying for him about it. Around the same time I witnessed Leah not making a very good choice with some of her friends. So I began to pray. I asked God to do whatever it takes to get my kids to heaven with Him. I’ve prayed these kinds of prayers before, asking God to intervene in certain ways and He always pulled through, most of the time not the way I intended or wanted. Our car wreck last July, for example. But I didn’t think anything else about this prayer until we were sitting in the hospital on day 2 with Phoebe. Just Jesse and I were in her room and he looked at me and said, “I’m going to do whatever I need to do to get to heaven.” My broken heart stopped. I remembered the prayer I had said and as soon as I got alone with Joel I broke down and told him it was my fault that Keren was dead. I told him about my prayer and the guilt I then felt over her death. The wise man that he is said, “Kelly, you got our little girl saved! Don’t feel guilty, we know that she is taken care of.” That made a world of difference to me and I’ve been holding on to that thought since then. Sometimes I question if she was destined for hell and we would have failed her. Other times I think God was saving me from all the worry I had over her. And if you knew her and what she was really like, you know I worried about her A LOT. We called her our “little monster” for a reason! But why I bring this up now is because today as I was going through some medical bills we are already receiving, I found the EMS bill for the ambulance service that day. Up to this point I didn’t know what time the accident had occurred, I just knew when I received the call. But on this bill it gave the time the EMS was called. I’d been doing ok today until then and, of course, I started crying. I kept saying in my head, this is the time my baby girl died. I was moving around the house trying to get things done but this just kept playing over and over in my head until I looked at her picture hanging on our wall and God spoke to me and said, “No, that’s the time she was made perfect.” Wow, my tears dried up and I felt renewed. God answers our prayers. Not always the way want or expect, but He takes care of us. I’m not saying He made this happen. I fully believe and envision demons driving that truck straight at their car that day. It was a full-on attack. But, like Carl said at the funeral, the enemy overplayed his hand that day. And what Satan meant for evil, God made good.
Fighting Fire with Light 