Over the past few weeks I’ve had 3 different opportunities to have deep discussions with fellow Christians that do not live near me. We are not in each other’s lives on a consistent basis and do not study the Word together.
The amazing thing is that in those discussions we spoke each other’s beliefs. The words in my heart, they spoke. And the words in their hearts, I spoke. The conversations spanned a myriad of topics, including walking with Christ through deep personal grief. All of which, led to the same spiritual connection. We are Christ’s and He is ours.
I’m blown away seeing how our God is working in their lives just like He works in mine. This is the true Kingdom of God! All of us being likeminded and walking in faith, pursuing a genuine relationship with our Lord and Savior.
I just can’t say it enough. God is so good and is worthy to be praised!
When something tragic happens in your life, you try to find purpose in it. You try to understand why it happened. If you’re a believer in God, you know that it happened for a reason.
Within hours, after we heard news of the accident of losing Keren Delmer and Delores and the fact that Phoebe was in the hospital an hour and a half away from us Joel begins speaking life over our marriage, over our family, and the purpose that God has for us. We knew God was there we knew he was working, and we knew he would make it good. But in all of that, I still questioned why.
In the months and years after, I’ve struggled to figure out God‘s will. I know that He has been good to me, and I know that I wanted to live out His purpose for me. The problem in all of that is I was trying to figure God out and not allowing Him to show me who He wanted me to be. In the past seven years I have been spinning my wheels trying to figure out how God is using me to further His kingdom.
At first, I thought that it was about spreading the news of the accident, seeing all those that were surrounding us in prayer and seeing God‘s work throughout the storm. We wanted at least just one person to be saved through this pain that we were experiencing. We felt like that would give us some rest and comfort. Then when God opened the door for me to become a school principal, I felt like that was it. He was bringing me to the community that we had moved to years before, finally giving me a chance to help the kids and families that we came to serve. In that position, I felt like all was right. Like I was living the life God wanted me to live. The problem was I thought it had to be something I did. And I quickly gained a savior complex.
Now, looking back on those years and my experience and my attitude in my heart, I know God removed me from that position so that He could continue His good work in me. He took me from “mothering” 600 kids and 70 staff members and put me in a closet hidden from the rest of the school I was in. Where all I could do was sit and ponder and pray and rest in Him. It was my sabbath, like I had mentioned in my last blog post, but that’s not to say that all that time I wasn’t screaming and kicking and clawing and fighting with everything I had against God because He wasn’t doing what I thought He should be doing in my life. I couldn’t understand it. I resented it. I was frustrated with it and I just wanted God to give me what I wanted.
But He knew what he was doing, of course. He knew that in order for me to be His, I needed to be removed from myself even more. I had to surrender fully surrender and learn to trust Him and learn that He is always victorious.
With the marriage of my son and daughter-in-law last month, something broke free for me. I think it’s hope. I think I’m full of hope. Before I was just trying to make sense of all the trauma that I’ve experienced but now I see that it’s not about making sense of it. It’s about watching God work through it.
It’s never been about me. I’ve tried to make it about me. But it’s not about me. God is sovereign, holy righteous, powerful, all knowing, beautiful, gracious, merciful, joyful, and faithful. That’s all that matters. Not what I do, not what I say, not how I feel, for sure. It’s all about watching Him watching change us, watching Him pour his blessings on us, watching Him remove things from our lives in order for us to see who He is. Isn’t He wonderful?!
Life is moving on. I’ve broken free from the chains, scratch that, God has broken me free. See? I still struggle with it being about me. But I’m looking forward to seeing what God has in store for us. I’m not sad or worried that I’m not going to live up to what He wants from me. He’s got this. I can rest and trust in that. I’m free.
7 years have passed. 7 years since we have seen her face, heard her laugh, felt her hugs. 7. What a holy number…
God took 6 days to create the earth and on the 7th day He rested.
He declared the 7th day of the week as the Sabbath.
Under the Old Law, the land was to be given rest during the 7th year.
I’ve been contemplating the journey God has taken me on during this 7th year. He knew I needed a rest, to get recentered. I didn’t know it, but He knew it.
For me, this year has been about doubting myself, doubting God’s love for me, and doubting my ability to be who I thought I was supposed to be. But, ah, there’s the rub. That was what I thought, what I felt, what my flesh was telling me.
God, on the other hand, knew exactly what He was doing. While I was kicking and screaming and clawing and fighting, He was gently guiding me straight back to Him. He taught me to surrender EVERYTHING to Him. He restored my place in my family as the wife and mother. He gave me a voice to share my testimony. He led me beside the still waters and restored my soul.
So, now, it’s time to move forward again. It’s time to press on, stand up straight, walk with authority, be humble in spirit, and live in freedom. I’m ready! He has so much more in store for me and for my family. I can’t wait to see what the next 7 years hold. There will be suffering, there will be torment, there will be anguish, but in all of it, God will bring it to good. He will uphold me with His righteous right hand (which is Jesus, by the way). I know that this roller coaster isn’t over. I expect to fail miserably as a human being but be lifted up and set right by the perfect One. Here we go!
“You can do all things You can do all things but fail ‘Cause You’ve never lost a battle No, You’ve never lost a battle And I know, I know You never will” – Elevation Worship
I recently had a friend ask me how I felt about worship music. I explained that music is in my soul. Honestly, it is what helps me thrive. The morning she asked me this I had chosen to listen to worship music on the way to work, instead of a sermon like I usually do. I had been crying for most of my journey and had to force myself to get out of my car and walk away from the song that was currently playing. As I walked into the office we shared, I heard her playing worship music. This isn’t usually the norm so it was amazing to see the Holy Spirit moving in both of us on this same morning.
This friend has been a life preserver for me over the past few months. She and I have had rich, Spirit-filled conversations almost every day that we have spent together. It is amazing watching God give you the people and put you in the places that you didn’t know you needed. I know He has given me these gifts because He knew I needed time to heal and He knew who I needed to help me with that. Through our discussions, the sermons I have had the chance to listen to, the scripture I have been diving into on my own, my close group of sisters in Christ, and, of course, our church family and the journey we have been on together under Joel’s leadership have given me new insight into Who God is.
In this healing, I’ve learned new things that I didn’t learn when I went through the healing of losing Keren. Then, I saw that God’s love for me was endless and the hope I have in Him is greater than anything on this earth. This time, I’ve learned that in His infinite wisdom, He IS in control. Everything that happens is in God’s will and is for His glory and His purpose.
Sometimes that is a hard pill to swallow. I want to be in control. I want to know what is going to happen. I want to have a say in what comes next and how things should be. That has been a huge issue for me over the past year. To the point that not being allowed to have a say in any of these things made me think that God had abandoned me.
It hurts to confess that. I’ve already repented and asked God to forgive me, but still, that I could even think that after ALL that He has delivered me through. And, yet, I started to believe it.
But then God.
There He came to my rescue. Not to rescue me from my worldly strife, but from myself. My flesh, my grieving heart, my foolishness, my pride.
This past Christmas season I experienced a peace that I have NEVER experienced before. It was this true understanding that:
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:1-5
“And we know that in all things Godworksforthegood of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
God never loses a battle. We might say that when bad things happen it is Satan’s fault. But, in reality, Satan cannot defeat God. That means that God allows those bad things to happen. This is because, “16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Romans 8:16-17
And here is the thing that I forgot. This is the scripture I have on a picture of Keren. And, yet, I had to be broken so that I would believe it. ”37 …in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39
This Wednesday, January 17, 2024, Keren would be celebrating her 10th birthday. This birthday is hitting me harder than the others have. It’s a big one – the move into double digits. The transition from little kid to big kid. And the memories of her that I have won’t translate into who she would’ve been. But, she was never meant to live to be 10. God designed her to bless us for 3 1/2 years and that is all. It was His plan for her life and death to be the catalyst for numerous people to find their way to Him. The #1 person being me. He loves me that much. That He would allow my suffering so I would be a conqueror and understand His love more deeply.
It seems like such an oxymoron – we must suffer to experience His fullness. However, our understanding is extremely limited. So, the things that we must endure, whether physical, emotional, spiritual, are all to bring us to a closer relationship with Him. And in that, we can REJOICE! Because He has proven He is a promise keeper.
This is how He gives us our faith.
He honors the covenant He has made with us, and we can put our full trust in Him.
On my journey, I’ve found a love for God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit that I never knew could exist. I remember sitting in church a few months after actually diving into the Word and writing this blog and while reading the Bible I just blurted out, “I love Jesus!” It was the first time I realized that I was in love with Him.
There’s a difference, you see, in loving Him and being in love with Him. Loving Him comes from knowing He’s your Savior and being fully committed to Him. Being in love with Him means you’ve entered into communion with Him in your spirit. The connection has been made and you are in a relationship with Him.
This is what He has always wanted from us, since He created us. Remember, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:1-5
Then sin entered our hearts and separated us from Him. Our communion was broken. God cannot inhabit the same space as sin. So, if sin is in our hearts, God cannot dwell there.
Did God just stop? Stop trying to dwell with us? Stop seeking relationship with us?
If you haven’t fallen in love with Him yet, let me show you something that might get you closer to it.
God chose a special people to make a covenant with and set in motion the plan to bring us back to communion with Him. But, the plan didn’t just include Jesus. It began when He gave the Israelites the Law.
I’m getting goosebumps just writing this, please keep reading…
The book of Leviticus, or the Law, might be perceived as one of the most boring books in the Bible. It’s full of detail after detail of what the Israelites had to do to follow God’s Law. And, if you’re like me, law does NOT interest me. If you tell me what to do, I’m likely to question every angle of it to make sure I agree with it before actually agreeing to comply (or disagreeing, depending on whats being asked of me). Ask my parents, husband, or employers and you’ll see that they all know this about me. And probably shake their heads and roll their eyes about it.
So, when it came time in my order of Bible study to dive deep into Leviticus I was not excited. I actually scoffed at it and came close to skipping over it. But I felt God tugging at me to get into it. If God asks, I do it, no questions asked, well, not as many questions asked.
I’ve been AMAZED at the treasure that lies in Leviticus. It points right to the cross. It’s unbelievable!
One of the most exciting aspects of the law is the rituals of sacrifice. Gross, right?! But not the killing part, it’s the ritual that goes with them. In each type of sacrifice God demands from His people, He adds a ritual meal to go along with it.
Big deal, huh? They get to eat. I mean, to me that’s pretty awesome. But that’s not the truly amazing part. For each sacrificial meal, a part is set aside for the person offering the sacrifice, a part is set aside for the priest, and a part is set aside for God.
Please pause, breathe, and ponder that for a moment…
“The ultimate goal for the forgiveness of sins is to restore communion with God. … The goal of atonement is fellowship between God (the host), the priest (who accomplishes our atonement), and the people (whose sins are purged by the atonement).” Knowing the Bible: Leviticus
The MEAL at the sacrifice is where communion happens. Do you see this pointing to Jesus?!
Jesus fulfills EVERY aspect of the sacrificial rituals. He IS the sacrifice. He IS God, the host. He IS the great High Priest, accomplishing our atonement. He IS the forgiveness of our sins. He IS the meal we take in the new covenant.
I’m so in love with Him. He is my everything.
Thank You, God, for wanting me. For coming for me. For fighting for me. For putting plans in motion to bring me back into communion with You. I am Yours and You are mine.
Bear with me in this post. This is part of my therapy and I just need to write today.
Our oldest, Jesse, will be a senior this year. There are already a million emotions going on inside of me about this but there is something extra that I’ve been working through lately. A few months ago I realized that I’m not a little kid mom anymore. I was pretty good at that. The simplest things made for a magical day. An ice cream cone by the city fountain on Main Street could provide an hour of entertainment. I guess dealing with nostalgia is part of the process of having your kids grow up. I’m ok with that, sort of.
But the thing that I’ve recently realized is that I’ll always have a 3 year old. I’ll always feel like a little kid mom because Keren never grew up. I can look back at pictures from the other kids when they were little and barely remember them at that age because I’ve watched them mature and grow. I know them now, at their current age. They have different interests, different ways of wanting to pass their time. It’s especially evident on these long summer days when I’m trying to think of ways to spend time with them that they’ll enjoy but it’s hard. A simple walk around the yard, big pushes in a swing, or a tea party in princess dresses won’t suffice anymore. But, for some reason, that’s what I’m holding on to.
This morning I woke up to the news of a dear friend who lost her youngest of 7. He was around Keren’s age. Even though I’ve been through it, the right words don’t come easily. It’s just a prayer of, “Jesus, please!” I know what she’s now facing. I know the journey she has to go on. I know that God will be her and her family’s rescuer and redeemer.
So, today, I’m reminding myself that I have the joy of always having a 3 year old. I also have the joy of watching my other 3 flourish into who God calls them to be. Today I’m calling on the peace that passes understanding.
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7
On my drive home from work today, actually it was a mad dash because our foster care social worker was at our house an hour earlier than I thought she would be, I began to ponder my feelings of having a 44 degree April 18th.
I can honestly say that I enjoy each season. I have a favorite but I don’t despise any of them. I see the metaphor of life in them. There are beautiful times and times of despair. But those times are always changing and with change comes excitement and renewal. But what happens when a season lingers for too long? When it’s time for the change and renewal but it’s not coming? How do we cope?
I’m not coping well right now. We are closing in on 5 years since losing Keren, Delmer, and Delores. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. But even though this time of year brings anxiety of the anniversary of the crash, the beautiful spring weather also gives me a sense of hope and a reminder that God is with me.
But winter is lasting too long this year. On warm days I get a glimpse of that hope but these frigid, unseasonably cold days bring me right back to despair. And I know I’m not the only one feeling it.
It’s been two years, almost to the day, since I’ve written on this blog. Since then I’ve become a principal and led a school through two of the most difficult years in the history of education. On top of that, we’ve taken in 3 foster children, are currently dealing with personal hurt, suffered loss on our farm, and am in the worst physical shape I’ve ever been in. And I’m worn out, exhausted, depleted, weary.
Those I’m closest to have started asking me if I’m ok. They can see it in my demeanor. I feel myself slipping. And I knew that I needed to write. This is my therapy. It’s where I work through my grief and am given the revelation and healing I need to keep going. So here’s my revelation.
I’m not putting my faith where it needs to be. Today I read about the disciples being unable to heal. They walked with Jesus, saw healing in action, yet doubted that they had the power to do it. That’s where I am.
Doubting that I have the ability to lead a school into its next phase. Doubting that I’m being the mother I need to be. Doubting that I have the strength to forgive and show grace and mercy like Jesus has poured on me. Doubting that I’m equipped to handle the path God has set before me.
Now, comes the healing. The redemption. Not through my own words or deeds, but through Him who always rescues me, who always keeps His promises, who never let’s me down. I will surrender and He will carry me.
Because that is who He is. Love, pure Love.
Mountains are going to be moved. Spring is coming.
Ecclesiastes 3:4 “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance”
I have hesitated to write this post for many months now. I have worried that as soon as I write it I will prove it not to be true. But that worry is gone. I know this to be true because my God has delivered me. The truth?
I am no longer in darkness! I am living in the Light!
I won’t give you the whole story of my past with dance but I will say it has immersed my life since I could walk. It is the way I celebrate, express my feelings, show who I am. It is deep down in my core. A part of me that I didn’t think could ever disappear. But it did.
The few months after the accident I was still trying to grasp what was going on, take care of my little girl who was still recovering from serious injuries, and trying to see my other children through their grief all while dealing with my own. I would find mountainous highs and depths of the ocean lows. I was trying to learn a new way of life and my heart and mind were reeling. I still danced then. Jesse, my 15-year-old, just reminded me the other day about a wedding we had attended in August after the accident where our whole family got on the dance floor and did a routine to the song “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. It was EPIC! We danced our hearts out and it was almost a healing experience for us. But that was the last time I found joy in dancing for the next two years.
I went back to work after that and tried to find a sense of security in the mundane. It didn’t happen. My depression started to spiral downward. You could still see me smiling, laughing, finding moments of joy but it never lasted. I still directed our shows for the church where we dance and sing and they were really good. But my heart just wasn’t in it.
You know how everyone talks about a person that has just committed suicide like they just didn’t see it coming? He/She was always smiling, laughing, helping others. Then they hit rock bottom and out of nowhere they are gone and it comes as a complete surprise. I understand that now.
I was trying to put up a front that I was ok. God was getting me through everything. I was going to be ok. But the truth was that I wasn’t ok. God was seeing me through it but I wasn’t ok.
It got to the point last summer, 2 years after the accident, that I was walking in our driveway and Joel looked at me and said, “I’m worried about you. We need to talk.”
That was the turning point. God put it in Joel’s heart to see me on the inside. To see that I was on the edge of the cliff about to jump. That I couldn’t go another step further. I was at the end.
Joel sat me down on our front porch and talked to me for at least 2 hours. Many times I told him that I didn’t like the conversation (I was half-way joking) but he just gently nudged me forward to a realization that I had to confront.
I was letting my grief guide my every footstep. And it was leading me straight to death.
That unveiling changed my life from that point forward. I wasn’t better overnight. I can’t even pinpoint when I actually felt the cloud lift. It was gradual through many, many events God put in my life to show me the way back to Him. God hadn’t failed me, I had blocked Him out.
I realized I was a new person once school started back and I realized I was loving my job. My interactions with my husband and children began to improve and I realized I wanted to honor my family. I began spending time, quality time, with God and building a relationship with Him and I realized I’d fallen in love with Him. I was a new creation. Not back to my old self, not a better version of myself, but a whole new self. I was on the path to becoming the person God created me to be.
It feels like freedom. If feels like peace. It feels like unending joy. It feels like abounding grace. If feels like love. It feels like I am a member of the Kingdom of Heaven.
AND.I.CAN.DANCE
It has been 9 months since that front porch conversation. 9 months of mountainous highs and only valley lows. But I can say that I have not plunged into the depths again. I won’t. I can’t return back to that. My God has delivered me.
I sit here on the day after I learned that we won’t be going back to school this year due to the threat of the Coronavirus. I’m sad. I want to shout that I need to see my students and they need to see me and each other. But, you know what? That’s not what we need. That’s what we want. What we need is to see the good that is coming from our God. The path He is taking us on to become who He created us to be.
This is also the day of my very first interview for a principal position. I can’t believe I am here. I always said, “I will never be a teacher. I will never move to Kentucky. I will never be a principal.” Never say never, huh?! God is so good because He just says, “Oh yeah, watch this!” And everything I said I would never do has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. I don’t know if I will move into a principal role. And I can honestly say that I’m ok either way. I know that God will be with me no matter what. I know that I can minister in whatever role He gives me. And I can REJOICE in that knowledge!
The reason I’m focusing on dancing is because I have tried to dance to exercise over the past 3 years. Zumba is my favorite and I’ve tried bringing it back into my life but just found no joy in it. UNTIL THIS WEEK! God put it on my heart to get up early each day this week and try Zumba again. I have DVD’s that are as old as the hills and when I went to put one in, it wouldn’t work. I was downhearted thinking that I wasn’t going to be able to do it. Then I found the app for our TV with free workouts! Not only that, but the people in the videos are the people in my original DVD’s! They are as old as me and they have clothes on! They are smiling and sweating, and having fun and I have found myself both mornings this week giggling while dancing. GIGGLING! Oh my goodness, you have no idea how much this excites me! It was just another confirmation that my God has delivered me!
Hear this now, HE WILL DELIVER YOU TOO! Believe in Him! Trust in Him! Spend time with Him! Get to know Him! And watch what He will do for you!
I haven’t written a post in a REALLY long time, so forgive me if this one is long. Writing is so therapeutic for me but I’ve let it fall by the wayside and let life get in the way.
And, boy, have I felt it.
I can barely see the screen as I’m writing this, the tears keep blurring my vision. Why is it that I can feel at peace one minute, and feel like my heart is a crumbled pile of dust the next?
Because I’m human. And I accept that.
I accept it because the fact that I’m human means that my God created me. He wanted me, wants me still. He keeps pursuing me.
When I feel like I can’t keep up with my busy life.
When I feel like I’m failing at bringing others closer to God.
When I feel like I’m not doing all I can for my students.
When I feel like I’m not being a good example for my children.
180 degrees – the angle at which one turns in the exact opposite direction; the change that has come over our household and youth group this summer.
God sent His Holy Spirit to us in a powerful way this summer. The youth interns from The River Church in Searcy, AR came on a mission trip to our humble little church in Salvisa, KY. The associate pastor there has been ministering to us for over 10 years and God led him to organize a trip for their youth pastor to bring a group of their youth that has been learning the power of prayer. They came to spend time with us and show us what prayer can do.
I can only describe it as the air that I had been gasping for the few months before they came. It was the evidence that I needed to know that God IS real and DOES work in miraculous ways, that He IS for me and WILL use me to grow His kingdom.
It affected our youth group in the same way. Most of the kids in our youth group choose to be a part of it, they are not there because their parents are making them. They are there on their own. Many of them have just recently come to be with us. 10 of these kids spent their time while The River was here soaking up every lesson they taught us. They learned to go on “treasure hunts” in Wal-Mart or other public places to find people to pray for, to be in agreement with the person/people who are praying aloud, to lay hands on the hurt and sick, and to listen to God speak to them in their own prayer time. They started to realize what is real in this life – our relationship with our God. And they vowed to do a 180 and follow Him above all else, giving their group that name.
I am excited to say that I get to be a part of this group. I am part of 180 and I am going to turn my life around. In turning 180 degrees, I vow to change my life in the following ways:
Give up trying to be in control – God has it, not me
Be OK with others – what others decide does not have to negatively affect me
Stay positive – quit believing that something always has to be wrong
Love my family (home and church) – unconditionally, unreasonably, without faltering
Pray fervently – ask God for help, listen to His instructions
Be joyful – show others what God has done for me
Make Godly decisions – when things do go wrong, not to go wrong with them
I feel different now that I have made these decisions. I don’t have to feel scared or anxious or worried or depressed. Those feelings try to sneak in, but my cup is overflowing with peace and love and gratefulness and joy. I’m learning the word “OK” is a great response when things don’t go my way, especially when I mean it. I don’t have to take offense at what others say and do, I can love even though. And that’s my new self – loving even though. Loving even though I may not agree with your decisions. Loving even though your actions may not be the way I would act. Loving even though you don’t do things the way I do them. Because only through love can we help others see Jesus. It may not be the same love He has for us, but it is the love He intended for us to have for each other.
Fighting Fire with Light 