When something tragic happens in your life, you try to find purpose in it. You try to understand why it happened. If you’re a believer in God, you know that it happened for a reason.
Within hours, after we heard news of the accident of losing Keren Delmer and Delores and the fact that Phoebe was in the hospital an hour and a half away from us Joel begins speaking life over our marriage, over our family, and the purpose that God has for us. We knew God was there we knew he was working, and we knew he would make it good. But in all of that, I still questioned why.
In the months and years after, I’ve struggled to figure out God‘s will. I know that He has been good to me, and I know that I wanted to live out His purpose for me. The problem in all of that is I was trying to figure God out and not allowing Him to show me who He wanted me to be. In the past seven years I have been spinning my wheels trying to figure out how God is using me to further His kingdom.
At first, I thought that it was about spreading the news of the accident, seeing all those that were surrounding us in prayer and seeing God‘s work throughout the storm. We wanted at least just one person to be saved through this pain that we were experiencing. We felt like that would give us some rest and comfort. Then when God opened the door for me to become a school principal, I felt like that was it. He was bringing me to the community that we had moved to years before, finally giving me a chance to help the kids and families that we came to serve. In that position, I felt like all was right. Like I was living the life God wanted me to live. The problem was I thought it had to be something I did. And I quickly gained a savior complex.
Now, looking back on those years and my experience and my attitude in my heart, I know God removed me from that position so that He could continue His good work in me. He took me from “mothering” 600 kids and 70 staff members and put me in a closet hidden from the rest of the school I was in. Where all I could do was sit and ponder and pray and rest in Him. It was my sabbath, like I had mentioned in my last blog post, but that’s not to say that all that time I wasn’t screaming and kicking and clawing and fighting with everything I had against God because He wasn’t doing what I thought He should be doing in my life. I couldn’t understand it. I resented it. I was frustrated with it and I just wanted God to give me what I wanted.
But He knew what he was doing, of course. He knew that in order for me to be His, I needed to be removed from myself even more. I had to surrender fully surrender and learn to trust Him and learn that He is always victorious.
With the marriage of my son and daughter-in-law last month, something broke free for me. I think it’s hope. I think I’m full of hope. Before I was just trying to make sense of all the trauma that I’ve experienced but now I see that it’s not about making sense of it. It’s about watching God work through it.
It’s never been about me. I’ve tried to make it about me. But it’s not about me. God is sovereign, holy righteous, powerful, all knowing, beautiful, gracious, merciful, joyful, and faithful. That’s all that matters. Not what I do, not what I say, not how I feel, for sure. It’s all about watching Him watching change us, watching Him pour his blessings on us, watching Him remove things from our lives in order for us to see who He is. Isn’t He wonderful?!
Life is moving on. I’ve broken free from the chains, scratch that, God has broken me free. See? I still struggle with it being about me. But I’m looking forward to seeing what God has in store for us. I’m not sad or worried that I’m not going to live up to what He wants from me. He’s got this. I can rest and trust in that. I’m free.
Fighting Fire with Light 