I Can Dance Again!

Ecclesiastes 3:4 “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance”

I have hesitated to write this post for many months now.  I have worried that as soon as I write it I will prove it not to be true.  But that worry is gone. I know this to be true because my God has delivered me.  The truth?

I am no longer in darkness! I am living in the Light! 

I won’t give you the whole story of my past with dance but I will say it has immersed my life since I could walk.  It is the way I celebrate, express my feelings, show who I am. It is deep down in my core. A part of me that I didn’t think could ever disappear.  But it did. 

The few months after the accident I was still trying to grasp what was going on, take care of my little girl who was still recovering from serious injuries, and trying to see my other children through their grief all while dealing with my own.  I would find mountainous highs and depths of the ocean lows. I was trying to learn a new way of life and my heart and mind were reeling. I still danced then. Jesse, my 15-year-old, just reminded me the other day about a wedding we had attended in August after the accident where our whole family got on the dance floor and did a routine to the song “Happy” by Pharrell Williams.  It was EPIC! We danced our hearts out and it was almost a healing experience for us. But that was the last time I found joy in dancing for the next two years.  

I went back to work after that and tried to find a sense of security in the mundane.  It didn’t happen. My depression started to spiral downward. You could still see me smiling, laughing, finding moments of joy but it never lasted.  I still directed our shows for the church where we dance and sing and they were really good. But my heart just wasn’t in it.  

You know how everyone talks about a person that has just committed suicide like they just didn’t see it coming?  He/She was always smiling, laughing, helping others. Then they hit rock bottom and out of nowhere they are gone and it comes as a complete surprise.  I understand that now.  

I was trying to put up a front that I was ok.  God was getting me through everything. I was going to be ok.  But the truth was that I wasn’t ok. God was seeing me through it but I wasn’t ok.  

It got to the point last summer, 2 years after the accident, that I was walking in our driveway and Joel looked at me and said, “I’m worried about you.  We need to talk.”

That was the turning point.  God put it in Joel’s heart to see me on the inside.  To see that I was on the edge of the cliff about to jump.  That I couldn’t go another step further. I was at the end.

Joel sat me down on our front porch and talked to me for at least 2 hours.  Many times I told him that I didn’t like the conversation (I was half-way joking) but he just gently nudged me forward to a realization that I had to confront.

I was letting my grief guide my every footstep.  And it was leading me straight to death.

That unveiling changed my life from that point forward.  I wasn’t better overnight. I can’t even pinpoint when I actually felt the cloud lift.  It was gradual through many, many events God put in my life to show me the way back to Him.  God hadn’t failed me, I had blocked Him out.  

I realized I was a new person once school started back and I realized I was loving my job.  My interactions with my husband and children began to improve and I realized I wanted to honor my family.  I began spending time, quality time, with God and building a relationship with Him and I realized I’d fallen in love with Him.  I was a new creation. Not back to my old self, not a better version of myself, but a whole new self. I was on the path to becoming the person God created me to be.  

It feels like freedom.  If feels like peace. It feels like unending joy.  It feels like abounding grace. If feels like love.  It feels like I am a member of the Kingdom of Heaven.  

AND.I.CAN.DANCE

It has been 9 months since that front porch conversation.  9 months of mountainous highs and only valley lows. But I can say that I have not plunged into the depths again.  I won’t. I can’t return back to that. My God has delivered me.  

I sit here on the day after I learned that we won’t be going back to school this year due to the threat of the Coronavirus.  I’m sad. I want to shout that I need to see my students and they need to see me and each other. But, you know what? That’s not what we need.  That’s what we want. What we need is to see the good that is coming from our God. The path He is taking us on to become who He created us to be.  

This is also the day of my very first interview for a principal position.  I can’t believe I am here. I always said, “I will never be a teacher. I will never move to Kentucky.  I will never be a principal.” Never say never, huh?! God is so good because He just says, “Oh yeah, watch this!” And everything I said I would never do has been one of the biggest blessings in my life.  I don’t know if I will move into a principal role. And I can honestly say that I’m ok either way. I know that God will be with me no matter what. I know that I can minister in whatever role He gives me.  And I can REJOICE in that knowledge!  

The reason I’m focusing on dancing is because I have tried to dance to exercise over the past 3 years.  Zumba is my favorite and I’ve tried bringing it back into my life but just found no joy in it. UNTIL THIS WEEK!  God put it on my heart to get up early each day this week and try Zumba again.  I have DVD’s that are as old as the hills and when I went to put one in, it wouldn’t work.  I was downhearted thinking that I wasn’t going to be able to do it. Then I found the app for our TV with free workouts!  Not only that, but the people in the videos are the people in my original DVD’s! They are as old as me and they have clothes on!  They are smiling and sweating, and having fun and I have found myself both mornings this week giggling while dancing. GIGGLING! Oh my goodness, you have no idea how much this excites me!  It was just another confirmation that my God has delivered me!  

Hear this now, HE WILL DELIVER YOU TOO!  Believe in Him! Trust in Him! Spend time with Him!  Get to know Him! And watch what He will do for you!

BECAUSE.HE.LOVES.YOU!

Listen to this song and let it wash over you.  You will be blessed! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fbt5UhWG7g