Moving On?

Getting through all the firsts is so difficult when going through grief – the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first vacation without the loved one(s) you have lost.  The entire first year was filled with these moments. Some were big events and some were little things that felt like giants. Every time I knew it was coming I would dread it and just press on until it was over, hoping to find joy and new memories to fill the heartache.  God always blessed me through the “missing” and yet I would question if I could get through the next one. Then, the year was over. We made it through all the firsts.

So, now what?  Is “moving on” what is next?  I feel this sense of relief that God saw me through and I know that He will continue to do so.  The sense of loss feels differently now. It feels like I have these grandfather clock weights in my chest.  When I think of Keren a weight drops and I feel pain right in the middle of my chest. But after a few moments the weight is lifted back up and I can keep moving.  Satan tries to fill my head with, “You’ll never see her again.” But immediately God fills my head with, “Yes, you will.” And I can believe Him because I have seen what He will do.  Because I’ve seen what He will do, I don’t have to worry about what the future holds. I don’t have to stay focused on the absence of Keren that will be present the rest of our lives.  I can feel that absence and actually cherish it. I know that I had a wonderful gift in that sassy, wild, funny, loving little girl. I also know that she is still alive and I will see her again.  

I don’t like the term “moving on” because it sounds like I’m going to forget about her.  That is not what I will do. While talking to Joel on the front porch the other night he helped me with this.  I was struggling because I couldn’t decide if my feelings I had been having were “moving on” feelings. He came up with the term “continuing to live”.  It describes perfectly what I feel. I will continue to live in the knowledge that my God is good. I will continue to live with joy in my heart because He placed it there for me. I will continue to live in love for others. I will continue to live in action, bringing as many as I can into the Kingdom with me.  I will continue to live trusting that He will get me through every hardship I have to face. I will continue to LIVE!